T.W.E. Stands For...

According to the all-knowing Wikipedia TWE stands for one of four things: 

1. Test of Written English (a component of the TOEFL)
2. Trans World Express (a former express/regional carrier for TWA)
3. Total Wrestling Entertainment (a pro wrestling promotion from Melbourne, Australia)
4. Twin Wrestling Entertainment (a pro wrestling promotion from Toronto, Canada)

Although a post about "Twin Wrestling Entertainment" would certainly be interesting I will be writing about a fifth definition of this three letter acronym: 

Thin White Envelope

Now some of you may ask yourselves, "what's so interesting about a thin white envelope?" If you did you would be completely justified. If you know what a TWE is then perhaps you share my confusion over why it's called a thin white envelope when it is obviously cream.

Although there may be very little of interest in a single sheet of cream colored paper folded in thirds and stuffed into a cream colored envelope there is, of course, the question of where it came from and how it came to be in my mailbox.

It all started with a phone call and a name tag...

Some of you may be aware of the fact that during the summer of 2007 I was working for Legacy Financial of California--a financial advisory group. Although I was initially optimistic about it I quickly realized that I did not want to be there.

After a while I entered into what Heather and I call "escape mode." During this time I was so desperate to get away from Legacy that I was considering just about every option. I applied to banks, to the LAPD, to fire departments, to just about every place you can imagine.

Finally, I got so desperate that I applied to one place I had only ever dreamed of working for. A place that, if sane, I would never apply to. A place that, as it turned out, was at least a little interested in me.

The CIA.

I applied in June and thought nothing of it until one Saturday morning in September my phone rang. I missed the call but the woman left a message saying she was from Washington and wanted to set up a phone interview with me about the application I had recently submitted.

[Time since application submitted: 3 months]

I snuck out of work a few days later and called her from my car. It was all a little unreal to me but it went well enough that I was invited to attend an information session a couple weeks later. 

[Time since application submitted: 4 months]

I drove down to the OC, arrived at the hotel and donned the name tag pictured above. They told us all about the application process we would be going through for the 12 to 18 months and served some reasonably good food.

The next day I went back to the hotel for another couple interviews and some role-playing. I've had case interviews before but it is pretty surreal to have an interviewer set up the situation by saying:

"So, you are at lunch with a potential asset (a woman) that you've been developing. She knows you as a vendor for an IT developer. As you are talking another asset that you've been attempting to develop (also a woman) walks into the restaurant and sees you. She knows you by a different name and as an employee in the US embassy in country X. What do you do?"

[Time since application submitted: 6 months]

Apparently my answers to this and the other questions were suitable because a couple months later I got this in the mail:

As well as a reading list that included all of the following books (and a few others):

The experience was incredible. I met the author of one of the books that I had read, took psychological tests, took a battery of aptitude tests, and made a few hundred dollars on the trip since they reimburse you at a flat rate per day no matter how much (or little) you spend!

[Time since application submitted: 8 months]

A couple months later I found this in my mailbox (yeah, I know, it's a government job, it doesn't pay very well):

I think the last bit in that letter about not telling cab drivers that you're applying to the CIA was hilarious. 

[Time since application submitted: 12 months]

After that I moved on to the next hurdle--medical, polygraph, and security clearance.

Some of my friends were contacted by background investigators who, to my amazement, didn't come up with any kind of cover story for why they were conducting the background investigation! I had to try to spin it (lie) to convince them that I wasn't applying to the CIA. My friends are smart enough to know that I was lying but good enough friends to let it slide and pretend that they believed me.

The last step in the application process is the background/security clearance. The government is notoriously slow at doing this. End-to-end getting a top secret clearance can take anywhere from 9 to 12 months (or possibly longer).

At month 5 I found the thin white (cream) envelope in my mailbox.

And the journey ended.

[Time since application submitted: 16 months]

For the entirety of the past 16 months Heather and I have been praying, fasting, attending the temple, and doing everything we could to try to determine what the right path for our family is. I feel perfectly confident in saying that by the time I received this letter I was completely prepared for it. Rather than being sad that I wouldn't have the chance to work for the CIA I was ecstatic that I would be able to keep working at DaVita and that Heather and I could move forward with our family and our lives!

I am grateful for the chance that I had to go through the application process for the CIA. It was loads of fun, I made a couple hundred bucks out of it, I got to see Mom a few extra times, I got to see my friend Austin while he lived in D.C. and I established some great habits over the last 16 months that I will continue in.

Anyway, I guess I won't be sneaking across checkpoint charlie by the skin of my teeth anytime soon...

...except for on my computer :)